NO, YOU DON’T ENTER THE STAGE UNLESS YOU’RE INVITED

Published by Rick on Tagged Uncategorized

And of all people, Will Smith should have at least remembered that. In his days as a rapper, he certainly couldn’t have liked it that much when people would get up onstage at his shows just to dance, let alone to interact any further. That he actually went up on one of the biggest global stages to smack someone whose comments he seemingly took a moment to really be offended by, was one of the greatest career killers we will ever see. Not only did he seriously damage his own career, but greatly helped Chris Rock’s, whose live show tickets are now fetching premium prices.

It all goes back to the basic rule of waiting to be invited onto the stage, no matter what type of performance is going on. My own experiences with unwanted stage invaders thankfully has never resulted in my being hurt, but it’s not a good feeling when it happens. It never happened in my duo act, though I remember a time in our early days we let a heckler take over the stage since he kept insisting he was more talented. He gave up after one song, which nearly emptied the room.

It didn’t happen a lot during my solo career, and I never saw it happen at any of the LA full-time comedy clubs, but it did happen. The first one I can think of where someone physically climbed up the steps to enter my performance space was at a Northern California suburban venue that had a reputation for rowdy crowds. The guy was very drunk and kept trying to sing along with my bits, which must have been frustrating for him, as most of my musical bits were hit and run, most under 10 seconds. But he tried to join me on a more drawn out bit, completely missing the point that it was a song parody and there was no way he was going to make it funnier or more effective. As he climbed on the stage, I shouted “Get the FUCK off the stage, Get the fuck OFF the stage, GET the fuck off the stage,” emphasising a different word with each repetition until the club’s security could finally escort the man off and out. I heard him say to the bouncers the classic “I was only trying to help!”

Oddly, that is the only time I specifically remember it happening in all my days working the US road circuit. Maybe it’s just that too much time has passed. In my early days working UK, I would be heckled, but would remain the only person on the stage, thank god. However, there was a time at one of the London venues, where I saw a very angry man threatening to charge the stage over some material I was doing at the time that addressed 9/11 and the aftermath. He was being restrained by the show manager, a pleasant lady who was unfortunately very pregnant, but she was still able to keep him away from me. The man was probably drunk, but that comes with the territory.

There were several times where my 9/11 material was wrongly interpreted as making fun of the incident. One time when trying to calm some New Yorkers after a show and convince them that I wasn’t the evil person they were accusing me of being, I finally gave up after they started getting more angry. As I walked away, one of them tried to follow me (sadly the only reasonable guy out of the four of them), and I told him, “No, get away, you made your goddamn point!”

The most scary time when I had company was about 10 years ago at a hellish private gig where everything was going wrong, so if it was to happen, this gig seemed the perfect candidate. This was a party at some Midlands pub where we were promised dinner, but in reality the food wasn’t much more than a few cold cuts and some devilled eggs. That fell in line with everything else, including the booker who was both the US (angry) and the UK (drunk) versions of the word “pissed.” He was angry at the way the whole event was being run, but he was also very drunk, which gave him the impetus to use the word “fuck” as every part of speech except pronoun. The emcee struggled to get focus on a show that started about a half hour late and the attendees had likely been drinking since lunchtime since it was a Saturday. The organisation throwing this party also had one of their guys take the mic before starting the comedy show, and he had drunken rants directed at everyone in the room. Then after he had finished his rant and brought up the emcee, he continued to talk very loudly, thanks a lot.

Now we move to my set where someone invites himself onstage. The “show” had been going almost an hour by the time I was brought on, and little improvement had been made with the audience except some had maybe passed out. I couldn’t get any momentum, even with my dirtiest, most basic material, and then about 15 minutes into this debacle, I saw a man clearly heading toward the stage, and nothing was going to stop him, for there was nothing resembling a bouncer this time. I held my guitar at arms length, thinking if he was going to physically attack me, I at least had some sort of weapon. He grabbed the microphone, then proceeded to recite a verse to the British novelty hit “Ernie (the Fastest Milkman in the West)” by Benny Hill. I heaved a sigh of relief as that appeared to be his only reason for coming up. I didn’t even care that he also got more attention than I had been able to get. Oh well, at least I got paid!

So no, I’ve never dealt with any physical assaults from audience members, but maybe that could be a career maker. It sure worked for the Australian comic Jim Jeffries, who I worked with many times in my first few years in UK. He was punched onstage in 2007 at The Comedy Store in Manchester by someone who took offence to god knows what. As the clip of the incident went viral, suddenly everyone wanted to know what made him so controversial. He’s been very successful, particularly in the US, ever since.

March 31st, 2022



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