Five Years Gone, Moving On

Published by Rick on Tagged Uncategorized

On this day five years ago, I watched someone I cared for take her last breaths, something I’d only experienced once before, and that was only watching a cat be put down. Being in the room as it transpired was sad, as Eileen was only 62, taken from us when there was still a great amount of life to experience, yet she accomplished quite a lot in those 62 years.

I have to acknowledge that though her legacy with me remains intact, it was only a matter of time before I’d have to move on. She had once said in her waning months that she didn’t expect me to remain a monk after she’s gone. I allowed that I probably would find someone, but I wasn’t going to actively pursue any kind of full-on relationship for quite some time.

That “quite some time” was just over two years, and I’ve now been in a relationship for 33 months. When Maggie and I first began dating, I was still working one day a week at the hospice where Eileen had passed away, as sort of a thank you for how they took care of her, but I soon realised that it was probably time to let go of that part for my life. I had paid my various tributes, but a new life was most certainly beginning.

You never know how these things are going to turn out, but meeting Eileen got me out of Dagenham, where I probably should have never been, and into the part of London I envisioned living in some 17 years ago when I was first here. Through living in Crouch Hill, I’ve gotten steady work as both a DJ and as a quizmaster, and both gigs are in the neighbourhood. I still do comedy gigs, but I have different priorities. Most importantly, I chose to watch an a cappella choir perform in Crouch End just before Christmas, 2014. I liked what I heard, asked about joining in the coming year, and began singing with them, not knowing that somebody special would be coming into my life as a result.

She and I still sing in that same choir, a romantic tale if there ever was one. Oddly, on that day I saw the choir perform, I was more transfixed by how good they sounded, and really didn’t pay much attention to the look of the individuals singing. Maggie’s pretty certain she was singing with them that day. If she was, I didn’t notice, but I was still in an odd frame of mind, so that’s my excuse.

I don’t even want to speculate as to how things would be had Eileen not passed on St. Patty’s Day five years ago. I knew I was going to be moving into the same London co-op she was living in by the beginning of 2013, though I was pretty sure she’d be gone before we had the chance to be neighbours. I don’t even know if we’d still be together had she lived, but that’s mostly because I’ve had major problems keeping relationships together for any duration. I’ve only had one that lasted over 10 years. I hope to get there and more this time around.

Bottom line is, shit happens, no need to philosophise. I’m very happy with the life I’m leading right now, and Maggie is the main reason for that. I think of so many things in my life that would have been different had such-and-such happened, or not happened, and it’s mostly wasted energy. There’s still a lot left that I want to do in life, and it’s great to have someone to share some of those aspirations with. I will never forget Eileen, and I’m sorry she was taken away at a relatively young age, but some things, no matter how cruel they may seem at the outset, happen for a reason.

 

March 17th, 2018



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