December Blues, or My Kitchen LACKS Heat, So I Stay Out Of It

Published by Rick on Tagged Uncategorized

                   There’s a lot of reasons I hate December, but at least one of them, the horrendous Christmas gigs, seems off the list this year. Still there’s plenty of other things to compensate for the lack of work in venues that I wasn’t expecting bookings from after last year’s disasters. I guess we can start with the dreadful UK weather, which now extends from about the beginning of October until a few days into June. Please, you Right Wing twats who deny climate change, shut the fuck up. I’ve been in this country through a decade of winters, and don’t remember anything like I have seen in the last two or three. All this is compounded by my house in Dagenham, first built in 1912, with some original fixtures likely still intact.

                    Where do we start on this dilapidated abode I call home? I guess by thanking my lucky stars that I have a girlfriend who enjoys, and to some extent needs, my company, since it means spending three, more often four, nights a week at her well-insulated flat. My house, in contrast, has abominable insulation and barely adequate radiators that only really work in (thankfully) the rooms I most need them to work. But the kitchen is situated near the front entrance and there’s no radiator in there, so if the outside temperature drops below 50 F (10 C), the cold leaks through the front keyhole and the poorly insulated walls, making me feel as though I live in an igloo. At least if I’m cooking something, the heat from the burners helps a bit, but I usually just set the food in the oven or on the stove, then run off somewhere warmer until it’s done. 

                   Adding to my housing nightmare are some unwelcome tenants who might have gone completely unnoticed were it not for British Gas coming in a few months ago for an inspection. Living in my loft are a flock of PIGEONS, who don’t make a lot of noise or ever actually fly into the main house, but they don’t pay rent, they’re carriers of an uncountable number of diseases, and they haven’t exactly kept their area of occupancy tidy. I have never used my loft for anything, and probably wouldn’t anyway, but the fact remains I’m paying for their space, and have I even gotten a thank you?

                         Problem #3 is the shower, with antiquated taps that send the water so erratically that regulating the water temperature between “too cold” and “scalding” is pretty much a lost cause. The bath works considerably better, but I’m still of that LA state of mind that is always in too much of a hurry to wait for the tub to fill up. I need my morning shower as a full-on wake-up call, and that I certainly get. It’s one of the only times I could actually be naked and not worry about freezing my ass off. In spite of all the above, I DO manage to sleep quite well there.

                            All that said (but oh yeah, there’s also a fence outside on the verge of collapse), before you ask Why the Hell Don’t You Move Out, help IS on the way. The taps are due to be replaced on Monday, and the outside walls treated on Tuesday. There is an organization called Saving Energy, who recognize that Britain’s fuel prices are becoming so prohibitive that elderly people on low income are opting for no central heating at all, and risking pneumonia among other things. Saving Energy are a bit of a godsend, as they’re able to do the whole insulation at no cost to either the tenant or the landlord. It’s a government-sponsored program, another reason to marvel at how this country looks after its own, even me, who’s not originally one of its own.

                          They came to my house last Tuesday, and the inspector rated my place as the most urgent of any he’d seen that day. Not exactly an honor I’d take proudly. They also said they’d come back to insulate the loft after the birds are removed, and the small hole through which they entered is covered, which is all expected to happen in the coming week as well, and I can only believe this because an exterminator came by on Friday to assess the situation. I was truly afraid they wouldn’t be able to do one without the other, so there’s another blessing we can count.

                          Now we just need Eileen’s condition to improve (her last blood test revealed she’s not totally out of the woods yet), and for me to get a few more gigs (I’ve only got two in December, though they both pay quite well), and maybe I’ll have a happy Christmas after all!

 

 



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